On the surface.

I simply said.

We can be friends.

She is happy at those words. I know so. But she doesn't know what it really means. Because our definition and point of view of "Friend" is also completely different.

I did not expect it to hurt so much to say those four words.. It hurts so much to see.... she'll be another one of them. A repeated history.

That's all folks.

I shall be back, If any twist or turn occurs....

But at this rate...

Game Over.

Shattered

So what I felt was right and true.. I want to blame her for being misleading, but I now realise that it is me who misunderstood what she said.

Last night, right at the point of realization I felt a mass pain, ache in my chest. It hurts. Maybe we're too different. I tried to get her to see my point of view. But she never does, even though she said she understood. If she did, and if she even disagree, she would never have replied like such. "Cant we be friends?". sigh . if I could, I would.

She said I am being a little selfish at this point. And she's right. I'd rather run away and save me some pain, lots of potential pain in the future. We're too different, our point of view on friendship, love, sex, best friends etc... are no where close. What we want isnt the same either.

If I go.. the only thing she'd lose.. to her, is a package of friend with a lot of problems. So why, why does she keep on pulling me back. She has so many friends, and can get so many more. She doesnt need someone like me. She deserves so much more .... so why.. all these troubles...

she said.. give her time to think, to decide... but it felt like i'm trapping her, forcing her to do things she doesnt want. I Dont Want such kind of forced feelings.. even so, i agreed not to leave.. until she gives me an answer..

sigh..................................................................... ...........................................

whitepetal....

I will now.. end the confusion. Hopefully.

Confusion...

Hi there....

So many things had happened since my last blog.

.... so so many things.... they're good things.. yet why do i feel funny still...

The day after Peace, we went to the beach.. the breeze calmed my thoughts but my mood was still highly troubled. Whitepetal seems to be closer to me, just like how we were back then...

Im sorry, i cant remmeber very well now. But i think that night, we fought once again about what i want. Freedom, and part of petal (but i really want the whole Petal... but that would be unfair) so it was very... weird.

At first, i thought everythign was normal again.............. but! . . .

We agreed to attend the festival together in the early of the night, then later, we fought about what i wanted and so it was intense..

The next morning (festival) i wanted not to go, but i've already told her to come.. so i just had to come.

The whole afternoon at the festival was very uncomfortable for me. She keeps pulling me back EVEN the night before she told me i just cant have both my freedom and a petal. So it confuses me for hourssss.

As the night approaches, I got bored and decided to leave first, so she had to come with me since she doesnt really know any of the people i took her to...

- skipping some part -

Then she told me.. i already have both. (my freedom and the petal) i was so so so happy... especially the way she said "yes" to my final question. That "yes" made up for my whole day.

But I sensed somethign different as soon as we talked at night..... it didnt seem much. But it was a whole world different to the petal i wanted. And it somewhat troubled me.

------------------------next day--------------------------

After work, I went to coffee and asked her to come out to see me. From the moment she sat down, I was very certain something was different. The petal I had last night was swapped/changed/evolved.... it sadden me... but i keep telling myself.... it is unavoidable after the damage i did? is it?....

And finally msged her and ask if everything was okay... there was no response to clear my question...

Until now. right at this moment... i shall try to look into the problem... and retrieve my precious whitepetal.

Peace

I was a little surprised last night when an sms came in. I really did not expect it to be her. The message was simple. "Peace". Immediately my heart felt 80% lighter than ever. It was a relief :)

Even though peace is in place, i know for myself that i would prefer war over peace and take the pain and loss. But I hope things will be better this way... After receiving the message. I didnt do any talking.

--

live update: she just started talking to me on msn. hmmp. just unblocked me, for sure.

--

and sooo at 3am, she sent me a message to start a convo. But i was dead. in. bed. didnt know what i say and it was so half dreamy i couldnt think properly n such.

But hey. It's peace. :)

Life's funny at times.

Last White Petal

To finish this chapter of my life, as well as a start for my follow up chapter, I announce the last Petal has fallen.

Shortly after I send out a "Peace?" message, I realized something was missing and wrong. So I used the extra tool I have to find out if everything had came to an end, and if my msg was too late to arrive. And so I know I was late. Could be as late as 15 hours, or maybe less. But that does not matter anymore......

I admit defeat as my heart is still aching and I'm still missing the cool White Petals that I treasure so much. As some saying may say "the good thing break down so the better thing can be made" or so like that. I believe she is now a stronger person. And I hope she can stay on her feet without leaning to anyone at anytime she wants. If this fails, it might become the greatest mistake I've ever made...................

Enough said, even coolness of a White Petal can melt a frozen heart.

- Emeranik -

missed chance

Working hard for 8 hours without sleep is so epic. My eyes got blurry within the first 2 hours of the day ==.. and yeah, so much to endure!

Even so, the work is okay. Not as timid as my old work place, and less stressful. The people there are so nice.. but I think it's because of my mum :D either way, i win.

After i went home, had a 1 hour nap. It felt like 2 or 3. Pretty refreshing.. then out I go to coffee with motdick.

It was pretty fun.. until more people comes and things starts to get more exciting then motdick thought I wanted to leave LOL =.= oh well. We left about 5mins after the arrival of the regulars and a dickhead. I really wish we had stayed more mins or so.... because as we drove down the road, there she was, on the way to the coffee place. It would be interesting to see if she would greet me or not haha.... :] exciting things coulda occurred then....

That's it for the afternoon report! Tonight i shall sleep early!

real ending?

Hi there.

It is almost 5am now. Yes, I can't sleep and i have work in 1 hour. sigh..

You may wonder why I cant sleep, there are a few reasons to it.

1. It is just ridiculously hard to change sleep pattern in 1 day.

2. I've said something I have neverr-everrr imagine myself say to anyone before.

3. The feed back i get from that was quite brutal, yet expectable: "Fuck you. Goodbye."

My heart then felt a sharp throb after reading that message. And then it bleeds the invisible blood. Dripping on the whole time. With my whispers of apologies, hoping it will get to her one day.

All the drama tonight wouldn't have happened... if she did not surprised me... by talking to me, after all that I've said to her.

Honestly? i wasnt surprised about her return.. but i was surprised of her feelings also returned. And I wasnt ready for it. Hence I could only say.. what seemed to be the sharpest blade of words to cut us apart for good.

Funny thing is, she named me Casanova.

And Casanova is someone i should look up to. Even though i know he would never have said so or done things like I did, I only did it because................... :)

I really wonder where i will go from now........................

And I do hope in a distant future, peace and friendship shall rejoice with us.

----

Enough of emotional talk.

I decided to add a member of social group im in to swap my membership number with her, since she seems like she could eat me at first sight if i didnt swap her. haha..... I lied.

Petty little membership number doesnt seem significant to me no more. If a small blob of ink on a card can make someone's day, it is worth it, right? :)

Gotta get ready for work and wish i wont drop dead though out the hours now :]

Casanova is now signing off. HAHA.

silent hole

Mmmm.........

It felt tingly the whole night. The pain, satisfying pain like self stabbing.

I decided to become ninja on msn. Appearing offline most of the time. So i can focus on people who I think should be in my life.

But as I know, my emotion isn't always stable; and neither are my thoughts.

Coffee with motdick was nice. I could let a lot of things go.....

The thing is, I met her "bros" there. They seemed to know everything. What other attitude from them could I expect apart from a short stare of "what the fuck are you doing here" and a back to my wave when they left.

Oh well. All is for the better so i'm satisfied. She hasn't called me or sms me, whatsoever since my last wish of goodnight. Mmm.... i guess it's a good sign? lol. I dont knowwwwww. sigh. I'm weak emotionally too.. at times. I know i'm running away from the pain i might get later on if we had kept our bonds together. But yeah. maybe a few more years, i will talk to her, normally, again.

Anyway, earlier in the day, i was thinking wether i should blog my actions or my emotional thoughts.. but couldnt come to any solution. So i decided to mix them lol. Stupid point, but i just had to say it.

Oh did i say, i got a job at mum's place now. I think i'll be happy with it. Doing heavy stuffs is like working out, yet, i get paid. :) Hence why i'm sleeping earlier tonight.... maybe 10 or 11.. or 12ish... I mean it's pretty hard to change my pattern from almost 1 month of 5am bedtime to 10pm bedtime! fkn 7 hours difference lol.

Yohohho, i shall add more things later on... if i dont sleep yet, by then.

Goodnight.

PS: LOL @ TONY TANG'S LAUGHING WHEN GET PULLED OVER HAHAHAHAH. hilarious shit :)

-

So im back. Been spending the last few hours trying to organize a date for a friend's dramatic romance to get to an end haha. It was very.. entertaining :) I hope she knows what she wants to do and say to the other person on the day though. I wonder if I should lend her a shoulder if she get to the crying point or not... hmm.. and i think i should take her back... which i will need a car for that evening... A saturday? pretty good chance to get the car anyway.

Sometimes i wonder where is my life going to anyway? i have a big goal and working towards it. But lack of motivation seems to be so overwhelming in this society. But either way, I can say that I'm enjoying every single moment of life. Wether it is pain or joy, I appreciate all these things.

Now now, who will be the first person to read these blogs? im very curious. So [b]if you found this blog, somehow, you must tell me on msn ok![/b] it's a promise ;D

Bedtime now, waking up at 5 :) or 5:30 ..... sigh! haha. New day is awaiting!

PSS: I really hope my aunty in America is coping well. She seems to have got a big shock sometimes in the last week :( i wish i was there to comfort her.................................

the most brutal line

There, I've just said it.

The most brutal line I could thought of for the time frame of mood.

I said... "so you dont mind. if i sleep with you then sleep with someone else the day after? : D"

LOL. Yes, that would break anyone's balls and boobs.

Sigh... I wont post my intention here. Of why I said so.... or maybe this is my real goal.. for you to read.. then use the reverse psychology to make you think I'm doing something good... but my real intention is really what I said? ;D that's for you to figure out.

but I can tell you for sure is that.. it doesnt feel good to do good thing, or even bad thing. I really dont want to break a heart.

Enough defending for me. This world is too complicated to know what's wrong and right without a full knowledge of story.

This time is for real, goodnight! now... soon :)

The Return

The past week had marked the returning of the Frozen Heart.

Even though things are confusing inside me, but i know what i want... kinda. But as for my feelings, it is still taking time to settle and I hope it will, soon. .... it should.

So I now know what I want in this life so far, there's only one thing left to do: work towards it.

Oh did i mention today is the first time I ever wrote a blog? lol. I was going to join the same one as my friend did, 3 days ago. But then I decided to just google blogging and pick the top site :)

In choosing the site URL for my blog, I half wanted to keep my original nick "emeranik" but half want to change it, because I want to keep this space of mine online quiet.... but then again, I've stuck with it for so long, hence emeranik is tagged yet again on another type of account.

Currently I'm quite troubled with love life as mentioned above. I kinda told people close to me that I only want lust, not love (because really, I think love is too strong for me to use even at this age). But then again, I do want some love as well.. or something close to it.? I can't seem to decide between them...

So now, I decide to pick both. :) be greedy, aiming to have someone to care for, be cared for by that person, yet can still "fucking around" with other girls. So does that make it an "open relationship" that I am looking for? hmmm.. english tagged so many kind of things, I get confused by them a lot. ie: like, love, lust, crush... who to decide/set their magnitude, how to measure it :(

Wow, that's a lot of things I've written for today, especially when I thought "wtf would I be writing on a blog?"

Goodnight all.

P.S: no auto-correct for "i" to "I" on this site sucks hardcore.