Magnets

I've just realised one thing after everything happened today.

We're not opposite of each other.

We're not "too different".

We're the same.

We're identical in thought.

We're magnets.... of the same pole.

Or at least, that is what I see, for the time being.

On the surface.

I simply said.

We can be friends.

She is happy at those words. I know so. But she doesn't know what it really means. Because our definition and point of view of "Friend" is also completely different.

I did not expect it to hurt so much to say those four words.. It hurts so much to see.... she'll be another one of them. A repeated history.

That's all folks.

I shall be back, If any twist or turn occurs....

But at this rate...

Game Over.

Shattered

So what I felt was right and true.. I want to blame her for being misleading, but I now realise that it is me who misunderstood what she said.

Last night, right at the point of realization I felt a mass pain, ache in my chest. It hurts. Maybe we're too different. I tried to get her to see my point of view. But she never does, even though she said she understood. If she did, and if she even disagree, she would never have replied like such. "Cant we be friends?". sigh . if I could, I would.

She said I am being a little selfish at this point. And she's right. I'd rather run away and save me some pain, lots of potential pain in the future. We're too different, our point of view on friendship, love, sex, best friends etc... are no where close. What we want isnt the same either.

If I go.. the only thing she'd lose.. to her, is a package of friend with a lot of problems. So why, why does she keep on pulling me back. She has so many friends, and can get so many more. She doesnt need someone like me. She deserves so much more .... so why.. all these troubles...

she said.. give her time to think, to decide... but it felt like i'm trapping her, forcing her to do things she doesnt want. I Dont Want such kind of forced feelings.. even so, i agreed not to leave.. until she gives me an answer..

sigh..................................................................... ...........................................

whitepetal....

I will now.. end the confusion. Hopefully.

Confusion...

Hi there....

So many things had happened since my last blog.

.... so so many things.... they're good things.. yet why do i feel funny still...

The day after Peace, we went to the beach.. the breeze calmed my thoughts but my mood was still highly troubled. Whitepetal seems to be closer to me, just like how we were back then...

Im sorry, i cant remmeber very well now. But i think that night, we fought once again about what i want. Freedom, and part of petal (but i really want the whole Petal... but that would be unfair) so it was very... weird.

At first, i thought everythign was normal again.............. but! . . .

We agreed to attend the festival together in the early of the night, then later, we fought about what i wanted and so it was intense..

The next morning (festival) i wanted not to go, but i've already told her to come.. so i just had to come.

The whole afternoon at the festival was very uncomfortable for me. She keeps pulling me back EVEN the night before she told me i just cant have both my freedom and a petal. So it confuses me for hourssss.

As the night approaches, I got bored and decided to leave first, so she had to come with me since she doesnt really know any of the people i took her to...

- skipping some part -

Then she told me.. i already have both. (my freedom and the petal) i was so so so happy... especially the way she said "yes" to my final question. That "yes" made up for my whole day.

But I sensed somethign different as soon as we talked at night..... it didnt seem much. But it was a whole world different to the petal i wanted. And it somewhat troubled me.

------------------------next day--------------------------

After work, I went to coffee and asked her to come out to see me. From the moment she sat down, I was very certain something was different. The petal I had last night was swapped/changed/evolved.... it sadden me... but i keep telling myself.... it is unavoidable after the damage i did? is it?....

And finally msged her and ask if everything was okay... there was no response to clear my question...

Until now. right at this moment... i shall try to look into the problem... and retrieve my precious whitepetal.

Peace

I was a little surprised last night when an sms came in. I really did not expect it to be her. The message was simple. "Peace". Immediately my heart felt 80% lighter than ever. It was a relief :)

Even though peace is in place, i know for myself that i would prefer war over peace and take the pain and loss. But I hope things will be better this way... After receiving the message. I didnt do any talking.

--

live update: she just started talking to me on msn. hmmp. just unblocked me, for sure.

--

and sooo at 3am, she sent me a message to start a convo. But i was dead. in. bed. didnt know what i say and it was so half dreamy i couldnt think properly n such.

But hey. It's peace. :)

Life's funny at times.

Last White Petal

To finish this chapter of my life, as well as a start for my follow up chapter, I announce the last Petal has fallen.

Shortly after I send out a "Peace?" message, I realized something was missing and wrong. So I used the extra tool I have to find out if everything had came to an end, and if my msg was too late to arrive. And so I know I was late. Could be as late as 15 hours, or maybe less. But that does not matter anymore......

I admit defeat as my heart is still aching and I'm still missing the cool White Petals that I treasure so much. As some saying may say "the good thing break down so the better thing can be made" or so like that. I believe she is now a stronger person. And I hope she can stay on her feet without leaning to anyone at anytime she wants. If this fails, it might become the greatest mistake I've ever made...................

Enough said, even coolness of a White Petal can melt a frozen heart.

- Emeranik -

missed chance

Working hard for 8 hours without sleep is so epic. My eyes got blurry within the first 2 hours of the day ==.. and yeah, so much to endure!

Even so, the work is okay. Not as timid as my old work place, and less stressful. The people there are so nice.. but I think it's because of my mum :D either way, i win.

After i went home, had a 1 hour nap. It felt like 2 or 3. Pretty refreshing.. then out I go to coffee with motdick.

It was pretty fun.. until more people comes and things starts to get more exciting then motdick thought I wanted to leave LOL =.= oh well. We left about 5mins after the arrival of the regulars and a dickhead. I really wish we had stayed more mins or so.... because as we drove down the road, there she was, on the way to the coffee place. It would be interesting to see if she would greet me or not haha.... :] exciting things coulda occurred then....

That's it for the afternoon report! Tonight i shall sleep early!